Jokes and Humor

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Date: Sunday, 2009-10-04, 0:17 AM | Message # 1

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Jokes and Humor
Jokes, funny images, videos and sounds, share them with us here!

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-08, 9:00 AM | Message # 2

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"I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons, has my emptiness made itself manifests, extending to that niche where I was given life and growth, that because of austerity I was made separated from…"
- Inday… hindi makatulog dahil nahohomesick
- - - -
"I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber, though the downpour of rain should’ve made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue I have for you, cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what I feel for you is inevitable. This isn’t platonic. It’s real, true romance."
- Inday, nageemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si Dodong, ang boyfriend niya.
- - - -
"The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!"
- ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ng kapitbahay)
- - - -
Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda.. o nga pla inglesira ka… would you please purchase many fishes for our this week’s meals?
Inday: Judging from your statement I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term "fishes", although rarely and even erroneously used, connotes a plethora or an array of different kinds of the aforementioned gilled creatures. But the more pressing questions before I traveresed the road to the wet market would be: What certain type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or just right smack the day’s catch? (Pauses) Aaah… by manner of careful extrapolation, given the meager budget in this houshold’s quasi-peasant middle class taste, I assume then I will source the staple "galewng-gowng" . Am I correct?
Amo: Leche!
Inday: You meant the freshwater milkfish? Then the "ba-ngooz" is it!
- - - -
"La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?
- si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo sa España
- - - -
*Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar serve with milagrosa rice (red avriety) and apricot sauce
*Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive olive
*Lychee and peach salad with sour cream cheese topped with lemon zests
- baon ni Junior sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday
- - - -
"Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just landed on my cutie top? I mean I’ve spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I’ll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!"
- reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia
- - - -
"Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market."
- banat ni Inday kung bakit walang "kangkong" sa nilutong sinigang
----
The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

-nag-eexplain si inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.

- - - -
Sa mga curious, eto ang personal info ni Inday:
Name: Inocencia Binayubay
Nickname: Inday (of course)
Age: 18
Parents: Mang Andoy at Aling Seling
Siblings: Iying – 13, Itoy – 8, Iking: 5
Educ:
College – La Salle Zobel 2nd year (Scholar)
High School: P. Gomez High School (Valedictorian, Best in English)
Elem: Sta. Monica Elem School (Valedictorian, best in dancing)
Kaya pala…it shows!
Work Experience: Household service manager (katulong) – Mr. and Mrs. Matapobre
Died: Sept. 1, 2007 Cause of death: Asphyxia due to strangulation (namatay sa sakal ng amo!)

I just love inday.. hahaha

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

marky26

Date: Tuesday, 2009-10-13, 8:19 PM | Message # 3

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bravo

maie

Date: Wednesday, 2009-10-14, 2:06 AM | Message # 4

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hahaha ayos si marky maka comment lang.. hahahaha

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

maie

Date: Wednesday, 2009-10-14, 7:31 AM | Message # 5

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dictionary ni maie:

preview = isang call center term para magdadadada at magdadada at magdadadada ang mga agent. o para magbasa ng mga bagay na tulad nito.
hapitan = isang pangyayari na makakakita ka ng agent na malapit ang muka sa monitor, kadalasay nakikita pag nanggigigil yung agent makakontak
backneck = o batok sa tagalog kadalasay ginagamit na term pag d alam kung ano ang english ng batok.
gitlapi = pag may kaibigan ka na bingot para d gaano masakit idescribe
lagnat = ang number one palusot ng mga nagtatrabaho
headache = ito ang number two
S.E.X. o sinangag express = isang nausong salita n pangalan ng lugar para pag nagyaya ka ng babae, "tara s.e.x. tayo?" d nya iisipin na binabastos mo sya.kasi pwede mo ipalusot na gutom ka na at gusto mo kumain sa sinangag express
dude-dong = enlisherong bisaya
dude-day = englisherang inday
pulado = pag nakita mong may pula yung numbers mo sa stats, kinakailangang gawing grinido para d pagalitan ng boss
nape = ang tunay na tawag sa batok sa english hindi na backneck ah mali yun
facebook = isang program na ginagamit para makapag spy sa mga taong d naman ganun ka close, o pantingin sa mga taong 3p o ex, ginagamit din ng mga boss para malaman kung totoo bang umabsent o hindi, o pang contact ng mga taong ayaw magreply sa txt.
friendster = isang lumang program sa internet na nauso noon. na tipong pag wala kang friendster hindi ka na tao noon. o hindi ka "IN" kung tawagin. sa sobrang gusto maging IN nating mga pinoy kaya ayun. lahat may friendster.
skwater mode= tipong pag upo na nakaflat ang dalawang paa sa lupa naka patong ang dalawang siko sa tuhod at bahagyang nakayuko ng onti at nakababa ang buhok.

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

marky26

Date: Friday, 2009-10-16, 9:00 AM | Message # 6

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B1: MUNTIK NA AKONG MAGING TOP 1 SA CLASS KANINA
B2: O BKT D K NGING TOP 1?
B1: KASI UNG KATABI KO UNG TINURO MUNTIK NA DBA?? AHAHAHAH
B2: JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!!!!

AMF!

Norbs

Date: Monday, 2009-10-19, 7:22 AM | Message # 7

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_haba nun ah

_naduling me k2basa hehe

_buti di naduling ung PC q0h nyahahaha

_nice 1 MAIE & MARKY

Added (2009-10-19, 7:21 Am)
---------------------------------------------
How a Filipino would use the following words in a sentence:

Schooling
(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING? (Who's Calling)
Affect
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring. (A Fake)
Adieu
If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you. (A Jew)
Decanter
You can order that medicine over DECANTER. (The Counter)
Deletion
The balat of DELETION is crispy. (The Lechon)
Despise
Who baked all DESPISE? (These Pies)
Different and Differential
I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic. (The Parent and The Parental)
Chicken Not Bread
If I put a bag over my wife's head then Chee kennot bread!" (She Cannot Breathe)
Persuading
The newly married couple will celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary next year. (First Wedding)
Deposit
When washing my hands, I always turn on DEPOSIT. (The Faucet)
Deficit
Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT. (Deep Is It)
Protestant
I always get my apples and saging at the PROTESTANT. (Fruit Stand)
Devastation
I wait for the bus at devastation. (The Bus Station)
Analyze and Anatomy
My ANALYZE over the ocean, so bring back my ANATOMY. (Ana Lies and Ana To Me)
Masturbation
Many 3rd world countries are suffering from MASTURBATION. (Mass Starvation)
Tenacious
Before playing tennis I have to put on my TENACIOUS. (Tennis Shoes)
Deduct, Defense, Defeat andDetail
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE. DEFEAT first, DETAIL last. (The duck, the fence, the feet and the tail)
Associate
I looked in the toilet and ASSOCIATE. (I saw shit)
Dinuguan
I tried turning on the TV, but it DINUGUAN. (Did Not Go On)
Penis
Before you play outside, PENIS your homework. (Finish)
Uno, Dos, Tres
UNO! DOS TRES are on fire!(Oh no! Those trees)
Cadet
CADET ko si Maria noong isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya. (Ka-date)
Mention
Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION. (Mansion)
Borrow
Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo. (Baro)
Caesarean
Lintek,anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo. (Sisirain)
Contemplate
Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero CONTEMPLATE. (Konti ang plate)
Artesia (A city in California)
Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda ng bebot na 'yon, per, ma-ARTESIA. (arte siya)
Cardiac
Na-CARDIAC 'yong kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi. (Carjack)
Centurion
Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya. (Sinturon)
Dedicate
'pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan. (Didikit)
Delicacy
Bagal mo...DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo. (Dali Kasi)
Depreciate
Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya puede na tayong kumain. (The priest ate)
Diffusion
Brownout....siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok. (The fuse 'yon)
Laity
Tag-LAITY si Imelda Marcos. (Leyte)

Added (2009-10-19, 7:22 Am)
---------------------------------------------
Lalake: Ipapasok ko na ha?
Babae: Dahan-dahan lang ha!
Lalake: Ako ang bahala!
Babae: aahh.. ang sarap
Lalake: Ididiin ko pa!
Babae: OO sige..ikot-ikutin mo rin.....aaaahhhh
Lalake: Ayan malinis na! Kabilang tenga naman.

"I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE"

[+_\] NORBHE [+_\]

marky26

Date: Monday, 2009-10-19, 8:24 PM | Message # 8

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WOW.. NORBS ANG KULIT! PWAHAHA! DAME OVERLOAD BA ITO???

maie

Date: Tuesday, 2009-10-20, 5:45 AM | Message # 9

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OMG.. nice jokes.. pag naka hanap ako i post ko ulit d2

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

marky26

Date: Wednesday, 2009-10-21, 10:27 AM | Message # 10

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cge cge!

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-22, 5:31 AM | Message # 11

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ill be posting a RACIST FILIPINO jokes ah?? No one shud be offended, juz check out how other country look at us, and MAYBE WE CAN DO sumthing about it

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-22, 5:36 AM | Message # 12

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10. My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp
9. Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box
8. Lieutenant Dan! Pu$rt## ina mo!
7. Lieutenant Dan! Gusto mo ba ang sorbetes?
6. Me and Jenny went together like champorado and isda
5. Mr. President, iihi ako. Na saan ang "comfort room?"
4. My best friend Bubba knew everything there was to know about bagoong. "There's bagoong with rice, bagoong with lemon juice, fried bagoong, bagoong at puto, etc."
3. Those look like comfortable shoes. Sa Payless ba?
2. He invested my money in a prrooot company
1. Tanga is as tanga does

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-22, 5:41 AM | Message # 13

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teacher

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-22, 5:51 AM | Message # 14

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SLIP OF TOUNGE

My dad had an accountant who every time the company had to package plans to send to a client would ask the messenger to "Fack it up well, okay?" While shopping at SM Megamall, a saleslady was helping me choose an appropriate gift to buy and I happened to be looking at a nice nightdress. The saleslady said, "Fair yan." Puzzled, I asked, "Fair?" And she replied, "Oo, they come in fairs!" A Filipino was arrested in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was incensed. He said to the police, "Why you give me a facking ticket? I only facked here por payb minutes!" In response to the question, "How often do you smoke?", the Filipino answered, "Two facks a day."

Perfection is a process that never stops ™

maie

Date: Thursday, 2009-10-22, 6:02 AM | Message # 15

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Maxabout.com > Jokes

+ Link to this page

Racist Filipino Joke
Added On Friday, August 24, 2007 | In Filipino Jokes | By shalini |
Viewed: 497 times
What's brown and white and flops on the beach?
A Filipino and a seagull fighting over a fish!
What is a Filipino's idea of devastation?
It's where you catch de bus.
How does a Filipino use "devastation" in a sentence?
Hoy auntie, don't you have to go buy your ticket at "DEVASTATION"? (get it the bus station???)
What's the difference between select and choose ??
Select is when you pick out something...choose is what Filipinos wear on their feet !!!
What do you call a Filipino walking a dog?
A vegetarian.
What do you get when you cross a Filipino & Hawaiian?
Somebody who loves to clean yard but no more land.
There are three Santas on the Roof. Which one is the Filipino one?
The one in the bunny suit.

Perfection is a process that never stops ™